Family Legacies

by  J. Otis Ledbetter and Kurt Bruner

Nomatter who we are, where we live, or what our goals may be, we all haveone thing in common: a heritage. That is, a social, emotional andspiritual legacy passed on from parent to child. Every one of us ispassed a heritage, lives out a heritage, and gives a heritage to ourfamily. It’s not an option. Parents always pass to their children alegacy … good, bad or some of both.

A spiritual, emotional andsocial legacy is like a three-stranded cord. Individually, each strandcannot hold much weight. But wrapped together, they are strong. That’swhy passing on a positive, affirming legacy is so important and why anegative legacy can be so destructive. The good news is that you, withGod’s help, can decide to pass a positive legacy on to your childrenwhether you received one or not.

Today, if we don’t intentionallypass a legacy consistent with our beliefs to our children, our culturewill pass along its own, often leading to a negative end. It isimportant to remember that passing on a spiritual, emotional and sociallegacy is a process, not an event. As parents, we are responsible forthe process. God is responsible for the product. We cannot do God’sjob, and He won’t do ours.

The Emotional Legacy

Inorder to prosper, our children need an enduring sense of security andstability nurtured in an environment of safety and love.

The Social Legacy

Toreally succeed in life, our children need to learn more than managementtechniques, accounting, reading, writing and geometry. They need tolearn the fine art of relating to people. If they learn how to relatewell to others, they’ll have an edge in the game of life.

The Spiritual Legacy

TheSpiritual Legacy is overlooked by many, but that’s a mistake. Asspiritual beings, we adopt attitudes and beliefs about spiritualmatters from one source or another. As parents, we need to take theinitiative and present our faith to our children.

The Emotional Legacy

Sadly,many of us struggle to overcome a negative emotional legacy thathinders our ability to cope with the inevitable struggles of life. Butimagine yourself giving warm family memories to your child. You cancreate an atmosphere that provides a child’s fragile spirit with thenourishment and support needed for healthy emotional growth. It willrequire time and consistency to develop a sense of emotional wholeness,but the rewards are great.

A strong emotional legacy:

• Provides a safe environment in which deep emotional roots can grow.
• Fosters confidence through stability.
• Conveys a tone of trusting support.
• Nurtures a strong sense of positive identity.
• Creates a “resting place” for the soul.
• Demonstrates unconditional love.

Whichcharacteristics would you like to build into the legacy you pass alongto your children? Even if you don’t hit the exact mark, setting up theright target is an important first step.

The Social Legacy

Inorder to prosper, our children need to gain the insights and socialskills necessary to cultivate healthy, stable relationships. Aschildren mature, they must learn to relate to family members, teachers,peers and friends. Eventually they must learn to relate to coworkersand many other types of people such as salespeople, bankers, mechanicsand bosses.

Nowhere can appropriate social interaction andrelationships be demonstrated more effectively than in the home. Athome you learned — and your children will learn — lessons aboutrespect, courtesy, love and involvement. Our modeling as parents playsa key role in passing on a strong social legacy.

Key building blocks of children’s social legacy include:

• Respect, beginning with themselves and working out to other people.
• Responsibility,fostered by respect for themselves, that is cultivated by assigningchildren duties within the family, making them accountable for theiractions, and giving them room to make wrong choices once in a while.
• Unconditionallove and acceptance by their parents, combined with conditionalacceptance when the parents discipline for bad behavior or actions.
• The setting of social boundaries concerning how to relate to God, authority, peers, the environment and siblings.
• Rules that are given within a loving relationship

The Spiritual Legacy

Parentswho successfully pass along a spiritual legacy to their children modeland reinforce the unseen realities of the godly life. We must recognizethat passing a spiritual legacy means more than encouraging ourchildren to attend church, as important as that is. The church is thereto support parents in raising their children but it cannot do theraising; only parents can.

The same principle applies tospiritual matters. Parents are primary in spiritual upbringing, notsecondary. This is especially true when considering that children,particularly young children, perceive God the way they perceive theirparents. If their parents are loving, affirming, forgiving and yetstrong in what they believe, children will think of God that way. He issomeone who cares, who is principled and who loves them above all else.

Hereare five things you do that predict whether your children will receivethe spiritual legacy a Christian parent desires. Do you:

1. Acknowledgeand reinforce spiritual realities? Do your children know, for example,that Jesus loves everyone? That God is personal, loving and willforgive us?
2. View God as a personal, caring being who is to be loved and respected?
3. Make spiritual activities a routine part of life?
4. Clarify timeless truth — what’s right and wrong?
5. Incorporate spiritual principles into everyday living

Reposted from Focus on the Family

The Success Illusion: Final

We conclude our look into raising "successful kids" 

In Part I  I stated that I talk with a lot of parents and often I ask what they want most for their children.  The most common answer I here is Success.  I then ask the parents to define success and what I normally here is a good education, a good job and some financial abundance leading to less struggle then the parents had to deal with.

In Part II we looked at Honesty and Discipline as the top factors that lead to "successful" people and family's according to Dr. Thomas Stanley's research on affluent households.

In Part III we looked at Social Skills and Courage as the final top 5 traits most exhibited by  "successful"  people. 

Today we will look at a few honorable mention factors listed.  First is Education.

Most people often site good grades ,graduating from an Ivy League school or having a high IQ as factors to success.  According to Dr. Staley's research, most millionaires were "C" students and valued creativity over spelling and grammar.  Those surveys concluded that high IQ and good grades often lead to work in narrow fields consisting of data, research or academia.  Most top students do not pursue work in entrepreneurial or people oriented professions so they usually do not gain people skills and do not move into leadership positions.

The next area is Home life. 

Most millionaires stated that growing up they had a stable upbringing and secure love of parents. In their adult lives they listed a strong supportive spouse and strong religious faith as major factors in their success.  Their was also a direct correlation to the length of their marriages and the size of their wealth.  The longer they were married, the more wealth they had. 

The qualities most listed be millionaires in their spouse were as follows:    

Unselfish, Caring, Disciplined, Virtuous, Forgiving, Patient, Understanding and Possessing Traditional Values.

Another major factor was shared dreams and goals and support for on another. 

The number one listed trait from males about their spouse was Honesty.The number one listed trait from females about their spouse was Loving.

So what is the point of all this? 

While financial abundance is not a direct measure of ones character and goodness, the character traits found in these affluent people are.

So many times as parents we focus so much attention and time on school and sports and this has no guarantee of future success.  While these areas are important, what is even more important is the focus and molding of Character traits, Social Skills and Faith.

Honesty, Social Skills, Courage, Creativity, Marriage, Faith, Patience, Unselfishness and biblical morals and values can not only lead our children to financial success but it also sets them up for what Tim Kimmel calls True Greatness.  Anybody can raise children to be successful but very few raise their children for greatness. 

Jesus knew this and tried to tell us this in Matthew 7:24-27

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

If we build our children on the foundations of biblical values they can have success and greatness.  Instead of focusing a majority of our time on the worlds principles for success, grades and sports, maybe we should start focusing more on God's principles for success?

As the saying goes:

"If you aim for the world, you'll get the world.  If you aim for Heaven, you get the world and eternity in heaven."

-Esse Quam Videri-

The Success Illusion: Part III

We continue our look into raising "successful kids" 

In Part I  I stated that I talk with a lot of parents and often I ask what they want most fortheir children.  The most common answer I here is Success.  I then askthe parents to define success and what I normally here is a goodeducation, a good job and some financial abundance leading to lessstruggle then the parents had to deal with.

In Part II we looked at Honesty and Discipline as the top factors that lead to "successful" people and family's according to Dr. Thomas Stanley's research on affluent households. 

Today we are going to look at Social Skills and Courage.  I forgot to mention in the first two posts that I have had the opportunity to work and be mentored by many affluent people:  CEO's, Self-Made Multi Millionaires, etc.  Again, financial abundance certainly does not mean a person is of good character or merit but you also have to give credit to those who have built financial abundance.  I have also found that most wealthy people I have met are of good character and are very good, godly, giving people.

One trait that every successful person I have ever met has is great social skills.  Almost all wealthy people will tell you that they have attained the wealth by the help of others and by having great mentors. 

"You have to be good with people, listen to their needs and solve their problems.  Then you can worry about yourself."  One affluent man told me.  Teaching our children how to talk to people, how to help others, how to solve the problems of others and how to give credit to others is a surefire way to start building a foundation of successful social skills. 

One of the best times we have with our kids is around Christmas.  Each year we get the name of a needy family and buy presents, clothes or whatever they need and  then go deliver the presents to the family near Christmas. 

Two years ago we got a single Mom with a 3 year old daughter, our kids helped pick out presents for the little girl and my wife got the daughter a winter coat, hat, gloves and some outfits.  The kids delivered the presents and watched as the Mom cried with joy and thanked God and us so much, the kids truly learned a lesson in giving to others that day.

The fourth trait is Courage.  Courage and Tenacity can get you far in the world if it is used properly and you don't get a big head.  Almost all successful people listed taking calculated risks, choosing significance over safety and learning to face their fears.  For more on why we have to learn to face our fears and why it can be detrimental to  success see  On Waterwalking: Part II.

Also listed by almost every affluent person in the research was the phrase "Confidence in myself and my abilities."  This cannot be attained without courage. 

For a further account of Courage and why it is necessary more than ever in today's productive citizens see In Search Of Courage:  Fast Company Article.

The Success Illusion: Final

The Success Illusion: Part II

In The Success Illusion: Part I we established that many parents today are stressing and developing areas in their children that will not lead them to true success.

In Dr. Thomas Stanley's book "The Millionaire Mind", Stanley surveysthe households of America's wealthiest families to determine the traitsand habits of financially successful people (Millionaires).  He alsosingles out true financially successful people not those who buy bighomes, lease expensive cars and try to "look wealthy."

According to Stanley's research the traits most mentioned by millionaires that lead them to success are:

1. Honesty - Integrity - Character
2. Discipline - Persistence - Long Term Thinking
3. Social Skills - Relationships - Focusing on the needs of others
4. Courage - Tenacity
5. A Healthy Marriage and Supportive Spouse

Also mentioned was their strong religious faith.

Today we are going to take a closer look at these areas and why building these strong biblical principles in your children will lead them to True Greatness and worldly success as a bonus.

Of the successful millionaires surveyed, Honesty was the number one success trait listed.  They believed that Character and Integrity were the most important factors in attaining financial success. 

Stanley mentions the story of a successful Doctor who went through years of schooling, borrowed money to open his own practice and began thriving.  Then he started having affairs with some of the women on his staff.  His wife found out and filed for divorce, once the word was out, the doctor lost all of his clients and his practice in that area.  His character had cost him his livelihood. 

This is one area that is non-negotiable.  It does not matter how successful or talented you are, if you lack character, you will fail.  This can be seen in the daily headlines involving Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Michael Vick.

The second trait most listed was discipline.  It takes discipline to build a business or to create wealth.  Most millionaires were not top students but they graduated college and worked harder than their peers in their chosen profession. 

They also had the discipline to live below their means, invest in assets such as their businesses, real estate and the stock market rather than liabilities such as expensive cars, the latest electronics and gadgets or other luxury items.    Many middle class families get heavily in debt leasing expensive cars, buying overpriced homes in flashy subdivisions, and charging up credit cards. 

What does the Bible say about these traits? 

In Luke 6:47-49, Jesus explains this parable:

"Everyone who comes to Me and hears My words and acts on them, I will show you whom he is like: 

heis like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation onthe rock; and when a flood occurred, the torrent burst against thathouse and could not shake it, because it had been well built.

"Butthe one who has heard and has not acted accordingly, is like a man whobuilt a house on the ground without any foundation; and the torrentburst against it and immediately it collapsed, and the ruin of thathouse was great."

Proverbs 10:17

"He who heeds discipline shows the way to life,but whoever ignores correction leads others astray."

I often challenge myself to find new ways to teach and introduce these traits to my children and some times I even use my own failures as a way to teach them about staying true to these biblical morals. 

Are these two traits at the top of your list in the areas to develop in your children?
What ways are you already cultivating these traits?
In what ways can you further stress these to your children?

The Success Illusion Part III

Wordless Wednesday: Krabi Islands, Thailand

Let Your Voice Be Heard

Do you have something to say?

Do you have a Legacy Dad story?

Do you want to be linked in with what we are doing with Legacy Dad?

Do you have an issue to discuss? 

If so please email me at:  lance@legacydad.com  and I will get you published on this site, link your business or website into Legacy Dad and we can all help each other make this world a better place. 

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwKAtlhrrvk&w=425&h=350]

The Success Illusion: Part I

I talk with a lot of parents and often I ask what they want most for their children.  The most common answer I here is Success.  I then ask the parents to define success and what I normally here is a good education, a good job and some financial abundance leading to less struggle then the parents had to deal with. 

I also believe that actions speak louder than words and when I listen to parents talk and see what they most support and try to develop within their children, it usually falls into the categories of academics, sports, or the arts.

"Johnny is reading already at age 3."
"Katie got accepted to the accelerated science program."
"Matthew made the Varsity Traveling Football Team, he's got Pro potential."
"Sarah is competing for a scholarship in (fill in the blank)"

Yet the areas that we as parents push so hard in pursuit of this definition of success, do not lead to the success that we want for our children.

Note:  I do not believe that wealth is an accurate measure of a persons success but just go along and humor me for a bit until I explain this whole illusion. 

In Dr. Thomas Stanley's book "The Millionaire Mind", Stanley surveys the households of America's wealthiest families to determine the traits and habits of financially successful people (Millionaires).  He also singles out true financially successful people not those who buy big homes, lease expensive cars and try to "look wealthy."

When you ask people what it takes to become financially successful most often you hear.

Graduate from an Ivy League School
Graduate in the top percentile of your college
Get a top paying job with a Fortune 500 Company
Inheritance
Expertise in the stock market
Become a Professional Athlete

All of these are false, yet many of us believe in this "Success Illusion" and push our children to succeed in these areas.

According to Stanley's research the traits most mentioned by millionaires that lead them to success are:

1. Honesty - Integrity - Character
2. Discipline - Persistence - Long Term Thinking
3. Social Skills - Relationships - Focusing on the needs of others
4. Courage - Tenacity
5. A Healthy Marriage and Supportive Spouse

Also mentioned was their strong religious faith.

What? 

Doesn't it strike you as crazy that the areas that most parents push their kids to excel in will never lead to the definition of success their parents are striving for?

During the course of this week we are going to examine how raising your kids and focusing your efforts on developing areas of biblical morals and values will actually  fair better equip them for the "Success" that parents so often wish for. 

Furthermore, establishing Character, Courage, Caring for Others, Discipline and a Strong Marital/Relationship Foundation will lead to a far greater definition of success than worldly wealth.  It will lead them to greatness in the eyes of the Lord. 

As author Tim Kimmel says in Raising Kids for True Greatness, if you shoot for greatness, you get success thrown in as a bonus. 

We will take a closer look at the areas we should be stressing and developing in our children to achieve Heavenly and Worldly Success and debunk the "Success Illusion" that many parents today follow and raise their kids in.

The Success Illusion Part II

On Waterwalking: Part II

In On Waterwalking: Part I   we discussed the analogy of Matthew 14, in which Jesus and Peter walked on water and Peter although afraid, overcame his fear by focusing and believing in the Lord.

In Part II, we will look at fear and how not facing fear will lead to more pain and failure in our lives than dealing with it. 

Every apostle had the choice to get out of the boat and walk with Jesus yet only Peter faced his fear and did.  Many times  in our lives we have to choose to get out of the boat and face our fears or stay in the boat where it is comfortable and safe for us.

Some people reinforce their boats, put chairs on the boat, relax andbarbecue because the boat becomes their comfort zone, but the Lordnever meant for us to stay in the boat.

I believe one of the biggest reasons we choose to stay in the boat is because of our fear of failure.   The fear of failure, change, discomfort or struggle often paralyzes us to act boldly  so we choose to stay in the boat where it is safe and comfortable. 

Yet failure in our lives does not determine our character or success, how we respond to failure does.  Everyone will have failure in our lives, some will succumb and stop trying and others will respond positively, learn from their mistakes and move on. 

And the biggest factor in facing our fears is that Jesus is not in the boat, in order to walk with the Lord, we must face our fears and get out of the boat.  The water is where Jesus is.  Getting out of the boat, growing in faith, dealing with crisis, opportunity, failure, and fear are all meant to be accomplished with the help of God.
The Lord also has a program designed to help us learn to get out of the boat and he places real world obstacles in our lives to help us grow and gain faith and courage.  Yet, it all starts with faith in the Lord and believing Jesus will be there to catch you when you fall or fail.

When you get out of the boat sometimes you will fail but other times you will walk with the Lord.  But trusting in the Lord and getting out of the boat is the first step. 

Have you ever know someone who started life with fire, love and passion.  They got married, had a wonderful marriage filled with love, respect, and understanding.  They had hopes and dreams and were on fire going after their hopes and dreams together as a couple in love. 

Then you see them years later.  He and his wife are like strangers, after some setbacks, he now sits in his boat each night watching whatever sports, sitcom or reality show thats on TV.  His hopes and dreams are long forgotten, locked away in a compartment in his heart that he rarely visits for fear of irritating the scars. 

Is this what God intended for them?

Have you ever searched for a very important present?  Looked all over town and the internet for the perfect gift for someone special.  You spent time researching it, getting the best price and even sometimes spending extra money on engraving it to make it personal and unforgettable.  You even picked out the perfect card and wrapping paper and wrote a small note capturing the importance of this person inside. 

Then the special day comes and all your friends and family are present, you watch the other presents being opened and none of them even compare to your special gift.  Then the time comes and you present the gift to your special person. 

What if they looked at, said thank you and then never opened it?

No matter how hard you tried to convince them, they would not open your present.

Someday, we will stand before God and God will ask us how we used his gift of life?  Did we use it to its fullest or did we forget to open some of the presents?

God then shows us all the times we could have used his gifts but we declined for fear of failure, change, discomfort or struggle.  We always had some excuse why the timing wasn't right, we weren't ready financially, we needed more experience, etc. 

Waterwalking is dependent upon God.  We never know when God will call us for a mission.  We have to listen, pray, ask hard questions and become brutally honest to discover if this mission is what God intends for us.

What really matters in life?  Sports, Corporate Success, Keeping up with the Joneses?
Or Marriage, Parenting, and Friendships?

When God's mission comes, we must be ready.  Ready to act boldly and step out ahead of our peers.  Ready to shake off the worlds "version of success" and ready to face our fear and get out of the boat to walk with the Lord.

-Esse Quam Videri-