The Foundation of the Legacy: Part IV
Confused Allegiances
This marital trap comes when our priorities get out of line. This normally happens in the subtlest of ways. Usually we have our priorities straight then along comes some pressure: A project at work. Then the focus shifts from home to the job for this project.
So a man picks up the pace and runs a little faster with the intention of accomplishing this project then turning back to his family but the problem is we conquer this project and there is no STOP sign telling us to slow down.
So we continue running at the same internal rate not realizing that we missed a turn somewhere. Then we wake up one day, long down the road and realize Oops, I left my family out.
The same thing happens to women often with children. The children become sick or need some extra help with school. Mom joins the PTA, becomes a soccer Mom and sets her priorities aside to be a good mother. It's the same thing any mother would do but soon the sole focus becomes the children and Mom forgets to slow down and re-insert her husband into the picture. Soon the marriage drifts and Mom and Dad no longer have a relationship together only their kids between them.
Sometimes we try to find self worth in the wrong places. We go to work and their is a relationship where another person values you because of your hard work or your expertise and we get the affirmation from him or her that we don't get at home from our spouse. Not necessarily an affair but you are having a connection with that person because they are filling a void in your life. When this happens, we no longer expect or pursue that feeling from our spouse.
Here's the cure:
We have the grace to embrace our place.
Many times we rise to a challenge, conquer it, and then look for a new challenge often at the expense of our family and marriage.
We have to be man enough to know our place. We have to value our marriage and family over affirmation at work and over socio-economic status.
I talk with some investors who sole purpose in life is to collect toys. Cars, motorcycles, gadgets, the party lifestyle. They brag and show pictures of this lifestyle and many people are attracted to it. It's easy to get sucked into this trap especially with all the media promoting it.
We have to accept the place and role we currently hold and make the best of it in the now.
I'm very guilty of this as I am always planning and looking towards the future, it is very easy for me to forget the now and solely focus on my future.
We also have to guard our heart.
Time alone with the opposite sex is dangerous. There is all sorts of traps out there where people notice us, value us and show an interest in us that maybe we aren't getting at home.
I had a colleague at work who liked to play chess at night with someone of the opposite sex instead of being at home with his family and he couldn't see anything wrong with it. He didn't understand it was wrong until I talked with him.
Transference is a very easy trap to fall into and I have personally seen many marriages ruined because of it.
Proverbs 4:23 says "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."
You can be friends with people of the opposite sex but your spouse should be your best friend and closest confidant.
Finally, we have to live our lives on purpose.
Most people take whatever life gives them and they are simply content to not be harassed. They choose security and comfort over Significance and Greatness.
You have to know where you're going. Especially in your marriage. Do we sit down and talk with our spouse and plan where we want to be in 5 or 10 years or do we just let the chips fall where they lay?
You can have romance and intimacy at 5,10,15,20 and even 50 Years of marriage if that is your goal. Marriage is about being a team and setting goals and milestones together.
You also have to live by biblical priorities.
Number one should be God and I do not mean church or church functions, I mean a close and intimate relationship of spiritual growth with our maker.
Number two should be our family in this order:
Spouse THEN CHILDREN.
Number Three should be our ministry. You're a Christian before your a soldier or a mortgage broker or a physician.
We also have to look towards others and their needs. It's easy to get wrapped up in our own selfish pursuits. We need to set these aside and focus on the needs of others.
"Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT)
Pride and Ambition can kill us.
If we work hard for an intimate relationship with God, put our wife second only to God and work hard to have a close friendship and lasting romance and intimacy with her. Then take the lead in raising our children and leave a lasting ministry by spreading God's word. We are living on purpose according to biblical priorities.
I ask God daily to help me strengthen these areas of my life because focusing less on my plan and more on his plan, is leaving a legacy and becoming a Legacy Dad.
Remembering Those: Veterans Day
My wife mentioned yesterday that I am now a three time Veteran. I laughed because I remember Vet's as old guys who got together and told stories at the VFW over a couple of beers about Normandy, Chosin Reservoir and Da Nang.
As a young kid, I would listen to these stories of heroism, valor and selfless service to a sometimes unappreciative American public and wonder if someday I would be called to serve my country as well?
Here is to all those who are serving, have served, have loved someone who have served and to those personal friends and fallen comrades who have given the ultimate sacrifice for the betterment of this nation.
To all my personal brothers and sisters who have gone on to be with God. Blue Skies, Rest In Peace. I'll never forget you or the smiles on your faces.
Amazing Grace
Just a heads up on a great movie coming out this week. I already have it pre-ordered.
Amazing Grace tells the inspiring story of William Wilberforce and hispassion and perseverance to pass a law ending the slave trade in thelate 18th century. Several friends, including Wilberforce's minister, areformed slave ship captain who penned the beloved hymn Amazing Grace,urge him to see the cause through.
Discipline: It's About The Future - Part III
This has been a hectic week and I'm glad I finally get to finish up this discussion on discipline. I think some of you got emailed my notes on this post because it published before I could finish it, sorry for that.
In Part 1, I outlined a true story of a friend of mine and how lack of discipline in childhood led to lack of discipline in adulthood.
In Part 2, we talked about family laws and laying a foundation for discipline as well as the different types of discipline used.
In this final post, I will tie it all together and hopefully lay out the reason why this is so essential and why we use this plan in our family.
One of the main techniques I witness parents use that never works long term is the Bribery and Rewards technique. This is where we bride our children with candy, toys, etc in return for their behavior. I admit at times when I get frustrated I sometimes resort to this approach and I have to catch myself and redirect my parenting. This technique teaches children that they act appropriately only when offered something in return, not a good trait to instill.
One of the best approaches to discipline has nothing to do with discipline at all but rather with rewarding good behavior. This is simply giving praise when a child acts appropriately. Too often we only address a child's behavior when it is negative. Instead, we should praise good behavior openly and publicly. This technique works very well and when used in conjunction with the other forms of discipline, it has marvelous results.
Now on to some of the results.
The whole reason we want to instill discipline in our child is not for appropriate behavior now, but rather for life long success and true greatness later.
I have long studied great leaders, people in the top of their fields and the financially wealthy and all of them have something in common. Self Discipline.
Even Jesus himself was a master of self discipline.
Self Discipline is simply the ability to delay gratification now, in order to receive greater rewards in the future. Every successful person I have met or studied has learned to master this trait.
Truly great and successful people become great by simply doing the things that other people will not, on a consistent basis.
Studying More, Training More, Saving More, Reading More, Developing Relationships More.
Not only that but they also have the ability and self discipline to be long term, advanced decision makers.
I once did financial planning for a deca-millionaire and he accounted for every penny he spent. When I asked him about this, he said that every single decision he makes, he looks at how it will effect him 5,10,15 years from now.
When he was young, instead of spending money on new cars, eating out regularly, or impulsive buying, he saved that money with the goal of one day being financial independent.
One of the most famous studies done illustrating self discipline is the Marshmallow Study. 
The Marshmallow Study, conducted in the 1960’s by Stanford University psychology researcher Michael Mischel, demonstrated how important self-discipline is to lifelong success. He started his longitudinal study by offering a group of 4-year-olds one marshmallow, but told them that if they could wait for him to return after running an errand, they could have two marshmallows. The “errand” took about fifteen to twenty minutes. The theory was that those children who could wait would demonstrate that they had the ability to delay gratification and control impulse.
About fourteen years later, when the children in the experiment graduated from high school, the Marshmallow Study revealed startling differences between the two groups: the children who waited and did not gobble up the single marshmallow, were more positive, self-motivating, persistent in the face of difficulties, and able to delay gratification in pursuit of their goals. They had developed the habits of successful adults. The habits, the centerpiece of which is delayed gratification, point to more thriving marriages, greater career satisfaction which leads to higher incomes, and better health.
The children who did NOT wait were more troubled, stubborn and indecisive, mistrustful, less self-confident. And, they were still unable to delay immediate gratification. Worse yet, these “one marshmallow” kids scored an average of 210 points less on SAT tests. Why? Distraction and the desire for instant gratification got in the way of good, focused study time. If not corrected, lack of impulse control will continue to trip these kids up throughout life, resulting in unsuccessful marriages, low job satisfaction and as a result low income, bad health and all around frustration with life.
"The only quality which sets one man apart from another - the key whichlifts one to every aspiration while others are caught up in the mire ofmediocrity - is not talent, formal education, nor intellectualbrightness - it is SELF DISCIPLINE. With SELF DISCIPLINE, all thingsare possible. Without it, even the simplest goal can seem like theimpossible dream." - Theodore Roosevelt
One of the books on my reading list addresses discipline and goes even further to proclaim that many children today are being raised to become selfish, rude, undisciplined brats. And the sole reason is the parents and there permissive parenting styles.
I found this book in the most unlikely and Un-Christian of places. Berkley, San Fransisco, CA.
Child and family psychiatrist Robert Shaw wrote the book The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee andPermissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children (Heck of a title huh?) after the Columbine shooting incident and wondering "How would you have to raise your kids for themto do this?"
A Great review of this book and some of its findings can be found here. Here is some of the findings I picked out:
Not having firm rules and routines that you administer calmly, fairly,assertively and without guilt or hesitation.
Not conveying to your child - through both actions and words - themoral, ethical, and spiritual values you believe in (or not having moral,ethical, and spiritual values in the first place).
Yelling at and threatening your children. You can be firm and reliablein reinforcing rules without resorting to these tactics. When you lose yourtemper, it says that you have delayed handling an issue until your frustrationand impotence have become overwhelming. You can act firmly right away; youdon't have to wait until you get angry.
In Conclusion, I hope I've given you some tools for the parenting tool belt this week but more importantly, I hope this weeks topic challenges you to further look at your current discipline plan in your own house, the future ramifications of lack of discipline and that you will look deeper into researching this topic and it's importance.
I certainly don't expect people to agree with my discipline plan because it is what works for my family, as parents, we each need to develop our own family rules and discipline plans but more importantly, we need to act on them and enforce them throughout our children's life with us. As we have seen from the findings, it can have Lifelong Legacy results.
Until Next Time...
Discipline: It's About The Future - Part II
We continue to delve further into our discussion on Discipline.
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." - Ephesians 6:4 (NASB)
First there must be a foundation of ground rules set. These rules we call our "family laws" must be clear and concise and the children must understand their importance and the consequences of not following them. Here is some examples of our family laws:
Respect - Respect your parents, adults and teachers. Respect others, other peoples property and other peoples feelings, unless you are asked to do something morally wrong.
Obedience - Obey your parents, teachers and other adults in authority positions. Obey all laws.
Honesty - Always tell the truth, even if it may get you in trouble. Never sacrifice your word or Honor.
Be Supportive - Help the family, help your team and help other people and those in need.
Do Unto Others - Do Unto others as you would do unto you. Don't treat anyone or act in a way that you would not want them to treat you.
These are the 5 simple rules to govern our household and violating them can lead to discipline issues. Our children know these rules but more importantly they understand the moral reason why these rules are to be followed.
Any child can be conditioned to act or think in a certain way by adding or removing stimuli, this is simple classical conditioning. The goal in our parenting is not for a child to think or act in this way because Mom or Dad is around and I could be punished. But that they internalize the moral reasons and understand these rules are Life Rules that are applied no matter who is present or not.
I really don't care how well behaved someones kids act in the presence of their parents or in a setting such as church, this is external.
I care how they act when they are alone with their friends, under peer pressure. This is internal.
Hebrews 12:5-6 states:
And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. (NIV)
Discipline in a child's life must have the following elements to be effective:
It must be taken seriously and have consequences the child fears
It must demonstrate love for the child and their well being
It involves many forms including verbal and physical consequences
Physical punishment must include temporary pain. (Pleasure/Pain)
It must produce respect for the rules and those enforcing the rules
We also use varying stages of discipline in our household, these stages include:
Verbal Correction
Withholding Privileges
Natural Consequences
Isolation
Additional Duties or Chores
Spanking (Up to age 10)
I wish their was some sure-fire template to use to instill discipline in our children but that is simply not available. Maybe because God is not only working to discipline our children but he is also working on further disciplining us as parents?
Because there is no sure-fire template, we use a mixture of the above stages and the consequences and their severity always fit the crime.
In recap, we looked at establishing a firm foundation of rules and the moral reason why we have these rules. We looked at some elements of effective discipline and finally the stages we use in discipline.
In our final post this week, we will give some tips on making this plan work and also so evidence of it's effectiveness.
Wordless Wednesday: Dubai, UAE
Discipline: It's About The Future - Part I
Probably the most searched post of my entire blog is my Spanking 101 post. This post outlines a form of discipline we used with our children at an early age. While this technique proved very effective in our parenting, I never explained why it is essential.
Let me share a true story with you.
I have a friend I'll call Todd. Todd grew up in a Christian middle class home but his parents used a form of discipline in which Todd was never really shown at a young age the moral reasons why some of his actions were wrong. His parents were more concerned with Todd seeing them as his friends rather than his authority figures.
Todd had a normal childhood, played sports, got decent grades but his parents always bailed him out of trouble in school and even a few very minor run ins with the law.
They also ensured that Todd got whatever he wanted. They believed that buying him nice toys, clothes, cars, etc. would "show him love."
Todd grew up, graduated high school and went to college. After our first two years of college, I decided to join the military and went to visit Todd at his college dorms before I left.
Todd was dating a few different girls at the time and his life consisted of drinking lots of alcohol at night and occasionally going to classes.
Todd went on to finally get a degree and started working in the culinary industry. I would often ask about him when I saw other friends and all I heard was that he was drinking a lot and got involved in drugs. Todd got married two years after my wife and I. His marriage lasted less than six months. Then he started working long hours pursuing success in his career. This lead to cocaine use to be able to work longer and start doing endless road shows for his company.
I didn't hear from Todd for 5 years. Then one night he showed up in town and a friend called and told me Todd was in town.
I found him in a local bar, drunk and high on meth. We tried talking to Todd but it seemed none of his old friends could peel through the layers of alcohol and drugs to find him. I heard he went home that night with some random woman at the bar and left town the next day.
I didn't hear about Todd again for three more years. This time, it was that he was selling drugs, had lost a lot of weight and no one, not even his parents could locate him. I have not heard from or about Todd in the past 3 years.
I believe that a lack of discipline and consequence in childhood, leads to a lack of discipline and consequence as an adult.
Without discipline, we lead to laziness.
Psychiatrist Scott Peck says that laziness is behind every single case he has handled as a therapist.
This week we will look at structuring discipline into our children's life so it guides them and develops the habit of living a disciplined life as an adult.
The discipline will instill in our children will lead to healthy, productive, disciplined adults that strive for true greatness rather than success.