Tending The Fire
Saturday night, I gathered wood to build a fire behind my house. It's a favorite thing to do in our family. The building of the fire though is always a man's job. Not that a women could not do it but it is a simple task that every man should know.
Building a proper fire without artificial logs or lighter fluid has been a skill passed on from the times of the cavemen. You must find the initial starter, tinder, small sticks and eventually logs.
Once the fire is started the job does not end. In survival situations, keeping the fire going is just as important as starting it.
I have been reading a lot lately about the early men's movement in the 80's and 90's. Writers like Robert Bly, Michael Mead, Robert Moore, and Douglas Gillette laid the foundation for many of the mens organizations we have today.
No matter which writer you read, they all say the same basic concepts.
Men need to get back to the heart of our masculinity.
Men need to heal the wounds from their own fathers or lack thereof.
Men need to associate with other men.
Men need a mentor.
Older men need to mentor younger men.
Young boys need initiation and a mentor in adolescents.
Only a man can initiate another man into life.
Furthermore, men need an model of a true man to follow. Over the last 30 years we have seen the macho "John Wayne" man, the pacifist "John Lennon" man and the feminist friendly "sensitive man."
However, none of these role models fit the true model and what is really needed is a mixture of all three.
Many writers speak of the various traits of a true man:
Warrior
King
Lover
Mentor
The true nature of Legacy Dad, for me, is to bring about this role model by my own example and the example of other strong men. I also want to initiate my children at various stages of their life so they understand that they are ready and they know they are deserving.
As I sat by the fire Saturday, I watched my son poke at the fire. He has watched me build a fire many times and soon it will be his turn to start building his own fires.
Once our children start building their own fires, the job is not done. That is the time for guidance, mentorship, initiation and leadership. It is time for us to tend the fire.
Walk By Faith
Step 1: Put down the habits of old self and move toward the new self (Read Gal. 5)
Step 2: Pace yourselves and as you move closer to God, He will move closer to you
Step 3: Become a Living Sacrifice (Read Romans Chapter 12)
5. Holy Living - Read Colossians 3
6. Become a Mature Christian
"Having searched after knowledge in the prophetic scriptures, I have thought my self bound to communicate it for the benefit of others... For I am persuaded that this will prove of great benefit to those who... desire to go unto perfection until they become of full age & by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good & evil."
-Isaac Newton
7. The Finish Line- The Judgement Seat of Christ
Let Our Children Come and Maybe We Should Go With Them?
I made a huge mistake this week.My kids are natural evangelists. Every Sunday it seems we have some new face going to church with us. I could learn a few lessons from my kids?
This Sunday, my son wanted to take along two, how should I say it? Less than sociably acceptable boys?
These boys only shower once a week it seems and like to use profanity and talk about sex when they are out of earshot of parents. They have also been known to bully other kids especially the girls in the neighborhood. I have debated back and forth if I should even let my son play with these two but he is trying to be the light and example for them.
So when my son announced that these two were coming to church with us on Sunday, I immediately made a negative comment. As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I was wrong.
My wife immediately confirmed this with a few comments to me.
We are new to this church and I immediately thought:
"What will people think? "These kids will be disrespectful."
"What if they swear in class or disrespect the teacher?"
This is all the more reason these two boys need to be in church and to see the example of other Christians.
In Luke 18:15-17, Jesus said
People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. ButJesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little childrencome to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs tosuch as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
I truly believe what Jesus was saying is that we need to shed all of our education, doctrine, prejudices and judgments and accept faith like a child. With wonder, amazement and unconditional trust that a child gives to a parent.
I learned a lesson from my kids this week and I think we all need to take heed.
Wordless Wednesday: The Rebelution
Good Parents, Bad Results - Part 3
By Nancy Shute
Posted June 12, 2008
6. They tell their child how to feel
Most parenting books focus on eradicating bad behavior. But in study after study, empathy for other people leads the list of qualities that people need to successfully handle relationships at school, at work, and in the family. Children need to think about how their own feelings will be affected by what they do, as well as the feelings of others, says Myrna Shure, a developmental psychologist at Drexel University and author of Raising a Thinking Child. "That is what will inhibit a child from hurting others, either physically or emotionally."
And parents, by telling children "you're fine" or "don't cry," deny children the chance to learn those lessons. "The child learns empathy through being empathized with," says Stanley Greenspan, a child psychiatrist in Chevy Chase, Md., whose most recent book, Great Kids, tells parents how to help their child develop 10 essential qualities for a happy life. Empathy, creativity, and logical thinking top the list. A simple "We're so sorry, we know how it feels" is enough.
"Modeling empathic behavior is really very important," says James Windell, a counselor with the juvenile court system in Oakland County, Mich., and author of 8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child. "How you respond to your children's needs sets the stage. It's really easy to be a supportive parent when they bring home a straight-A report card. When they get a bad grade, that's when they really need our support."
7. They put grades and SATs ahead of creativity
An overemphasis on good grades can also distort the message about how and what children should learn. "We like kids to learn rules, and we want them to learn facts," says Greenspan. "We're impressed when they can read early or identify their shapes. It's much harder for us to inspire them to come up with a creative idea."
Children who can think creatively are more likely to be able to bounce back if their first idea doesn't work. They also know it can take time and patience to come up with a good solution. The goal, says Greenspan, is not to have a child who knows how to answer questions but one who will grow up to ask the important questions. Parents can help their children become independent thinkers by asking open-ended questions like: Can you think of another way to solve the problem with your teammate? Or ask a whining preschooler: Can you think of a different way to tell me what you want?
8. They forget to have fun
"When I talk to families that aren't functioning so well, and I ask, how often do you laugh together, they say: We haven't laughed together for a long time," says Hendren. Those little signs of love and connection—a laugh, a song shared in the car—are, he says, signs of health.
Good Parents, Bad Results - Part 2
By Nancy Shute
Posted June 12, 2008
2. They're overprotective
Teachers, coaches, and psychotherapists alike have noticed that parents today can't stand to see their children struggle or suffer a setback. So they're stepping in to micromanage everything from playground quarrels to baseball team positions to grades. Even bosses aren't immune. One owner of a New York public relations firm says he has gotten E-mails from parents telling him that's he's making their child work too much. The child in question is in his 20s.
"Many well-meaning parents jump in too quickly," says Robert Brooks, a clinical
psychologist in Needham, Mass., and coauthor of Raising Resilient Children. "Resilient children realize that sometimes they will fail, make mistakes, have setbacks. They will attempt to learn from them." When parents intercede, Brooks says, "it communicates to the kid that 'I don't think you're capable of dealing with it.' We have to let kids experience the consequences of their behavior."
Otherwise, they may grow afraid to try. "I see a lot of kids who seem really unmotivated," says Kristen Gloff, 36, a clinical and school social worker in the Chicago area. "It's not that they're lazy. They don't want to fail."
3. They nag. Lecture. Repeat. Then yell
If one verbal nudge won't get a kid to come to dinner, 20 surely will. Right? In fact, there's abundant evidence that humans tune out repeated commands. "So many parents think they have to get very emotionally upset, yell, threaten, use sarcasm," says Lynn Clark, a professor emeritus of psychology at Western Kentucky University and author of SOS Help for Parents. "The child imitates that behavior, and you get sassy talk."Nagging also gives children "negative reinforcement," or an incentive—parental attention—to keep misbehaving. "I was kind of ignoring the good behavior, and every time he did something wrong, I would step in and give him attention," says Nancy Ailes, a 46-year-old stay-at-home mom in East Haven, Conn. She was frustrated with her 9-year-old son, Nick, who would melt down and throw things if the day's schedule changed, drag his feet about cleaning his room or doing homework, and call her "bad Mommy" if she complained.
Parent management training this spring at the Yale Child Conduct Center taught Ailes and her husband how to use positive reinforcement instead—to praise Nick immediately and enthusiastically. Now, when Nick is picking up his toys in the family room, she sits down, watches, and says: "Wow, that looks really nice!" Ailes and her husband, David, also learned how to set up a reward system with points that Nick can cash in for Yu-Gi-Oh cards and Game Boy time and to back up the system with timeouts for bad behavior. Within three weeks, Ailes says, Nick had made a complete turnaround. "Instead of doing things that make people unhappy," she says, "you do things that make them happy!"
4. They praise too much—And badly
It seems like a truism that praising children would make them feel good about themselves and motivate them to do better. But parents don't give children attaboys as often as they think, Kazdin says. And when they do, it's all too often either generic ("good job!") or centered on the person, not the task ("you're so smart!"). This kind of praise actually makes children less motivated and self-confident. In one experiment by Carol Dweck, a psychologist now at Stanford University, fifth graders who were praised for being intelligent, rather than making a good effort, actually made less of an effort on tests and had a harder time dealing with failure.
"It's so common now for parents to tell children that they're special," says Twenge. That fosters narcissism, she says, not self-esteem. Twenge thinks parents tell a child "You're special" when they really mean "You're special to me." Much better in every way, she says,to just say: "I love you."
5. They punish too harshly
Although spanking has been deplored by child-development experts since the days of Dr. Spock in the 1940s, as many as 90 percent of parents think it's ok to spank young children,according to research by Murray Straus, a professor of sociology at the University of New Hampshire. Kazdin and other behavioral researchers say parents commonly punish far more harshly than they need to.
After all, it's not supposed to be about payback, though that's often what's going on, says Jamila Reid, codirector of the Parenting Clinic at the University of Washington. The clinic's "The Incredible Years" program has been found in seven studies to improve children's behavior. "Often parents come looking for bigger sticks. We tell parents the word discipline means 'teach.' It's something to teach a child that there's a better way to respond."
Consider the fine art of the timeout. Parents often sabotage timeouts by lecturing or by giving hugs, according to Sheila Eyberg, a professor of psychology at the University of Florida. Her Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is used in many mental health clinics.
Forehand and other researchers have spent many hours observing the use of timeout as a disciplinary strategy to determine exactly what makes it effective. The key finding: Discipline works best when it's immediate, mild, and brief, because it's then associated with the transgression and doesn't breed more anger and resentment. A timeout should last for just a few minutes, usually one minute for each year of age of the child.
Teenagers who have outgrown timeouts shouldn't lose a privilege for more than a day. Beyond that, the child's attitude shifts from regretting bad behavior to resenting the parent. "The punishment business isn't just ineffective," Kazdin says. "It leads to avoidance and escape. It puts a little wedge in the relationship between parent and child." Long groundings also make it more likely that the parents will relent after a few days. Better, Kazdin says, to ask the child to practice good behavior, such as fixing something he damaged, in order to win privileges back.
Also see my post - Spanking 101
A father's love - Wordless Wednesday
