Adversity: Our Days in Adullam

One of the areas that myself and I know many others struggle with is dealing with adversity.  I have read and been told numerous times that the difference between significance in life and mediocrity is how we deal with adversity and setbacks.

Adversity comes in two forms: Self Imposed and Unexpected Adversity.

Self imposed is simply adversity that comes from the decisions or lack thereof that we choose in our lives.  If you choose to cheat on your spouse or steal from your job, obviously you created this situation and you ultimately must take the blame.  It takes a certain level of maturity to take responsibility for ones actions and unfortunately I have met some adults that never reach this level. 

But sometimes everything is going the right way and then out of nowhere BLAM!  Something hits our life that causes adversity.  It could be financial, marital, problems at work, spiritual, you name it.

Myself and some colleagues have been dealing with this during the past 4 months.  We attended a course and from the beginning most of the instructors had little to no experience on the subject and could not answer many of our questions.  We protested this and it lead to undue attention on our cohort and further that we were trouble makers. 

We come from an area in the military where you must be tactically and technically proficient in your skill set or you are sent packing.  To put it bluntly, we don't deal with BS well and that is what these people were trying to do to us.

So for four months we walked around with what seemed like a bullseye on our backs and constant reports that we were acting up and being unprofessional.  When we asked for specifics, none were given just rumors and hearsay.  It became very unnerving. 

Many times in life these unseen adversities pop up and how we deal with them ultimately determines our stress level and happiness.  Sometimes these adversities are short term; a tree falls on your car, your HVAC system in your house goes out and needs to be completely replaced. 

Other times though, it seems like a black cloud or season of adversity comes over your life and you cannot figure out why?

We often ask: Why me? What's Next? Why Now?

We can go to counseling or read the bible or a book and get the exact answer on what we need to do but it does not change our emotional feelings of why we are in this place and the emotional struggles we are dealing with.

We can try to hide in our work, our family or other activities but when our mind wanders, it wanders to this adversity.

What I think is that God sometimes places this adversity in our lives to teach us a lesson and help us grow.  Quickly skim through this commentary on 1 Samuel 22.

At this point David had been anointed, he received some fame from slaying Goliath and recently had been married.  David was getting more military recognition than King Saul and things were going his way. 

Then King Saul gets jealous and attempts multiple times to kill David so David realizes it's time to get out of dodge. He goes to Gath and then realizes that these are his enemies and has to get out of Gath as well.

So David escapes Gath and goes to cave in Adullam.

In the cave in Adullam, David waits and prays for answers from God.  However, David was supposed to be king, he was popular and famous and had things all going in his favor.  Now, he is stuck in a dark, cold place and cannot seem to see the light or the bright future that God has in store for him.

When adversity hits us and we end up in our own Cave of Adullam, how do we deal with it?  Do we question God's actions and ask why?

Never question in the darkness what God has shown you in the light.

One thing I have learned in my short life is that I learn more through adversity and struggle than I do from victory and smooth sailing. I believe that in order to get to the next level in life, faith, business, relationships, etc.  You must pay your dues and learn the lesson that graduates you to the next level.

"In unseen but powerful ways, God is engraving truths using circumstances as a plow to plant truths in you that are required for you to go to the next level."

Read that again slowly.

When David was in Adullam he could not see the palace and Gods plan for him in the future.  God had something great in store for David but first he needed to build him up in preparation for the future. His character needed building.

Adversity is not punishment but preparation.

God has something wonderful in store for us but first he needs to build us up to prepare us for our future.  Some of your darkest days end up to be your greatest learning points and turning points in our lives.  I know this is true for me.

Again, how we respond to this adversity is absolutely crucial in whether we learn thelesson or we have to take the lesson over.  Believe me, times in my life God has put a lesson in front of me and I did not learn it so later on down the road I got to go through the same lesson again.

I once had a CEO tell me that success people are people who take calculated risks and often fail but when they fail, they learn the lesson and move on, not making the same mistake again.

Some people are not willing to learn the lesson.  They respond with Blame, Jealously, Revenge, Pity or my personal favorite Isolation.  I like to isolate myself in my work, reading or even this blog.

If we miss God's lesson we must repeat it.  We must find God in this place and learn the lesson. 

One of the books for my children during their Legacy Dad Process is It's Not What Happens to You, It's What You Do About It by W. Michell. 

W. Mitchell had adversity after adversity thrown at him.  He was burned and disfigured then a few years later paralyzed. Through it all he maintained a positive attitude and still went on to become a successful businessman and speaker.

For further evidence read about Hugh Redmond and Viktor Frankl.

Read Davids Prayer in Adullam Psalm 142.

David took his adversity and complaints to God, not his spouse, children or co-workers.

Who do we take are complaints and challenges to?

Never question in the darkness what God has shown us in the light.

We must find God in this place of adversity and learn the lesson to move on to the greater place God has for us.

Don't get stuck in mediocrity, with God's help we can find Significance.

-Esse Quam Videri-

Goals 2008

I figure it is that time of year again where people make some goals for the new year.  A lot of people make goals but fail to stick to them, I find that writing them down and looking at the goals daily really helps me. 

You also must reverse engineer your goals.  If you want to lose 10 pounds in 2008, you must first learn that that is 0.83 pounds per month.  To do this you would need to sustain a 2000-2500 calorie per day diet and burn 3500 calories extra per month. 

To burn 3500 calories per month you would need to figure out which exercises could you do weekly to ultimately burn those calories and most importantly, you need to pick some exercises that you enjoy doing (hiking, walking with the family, bike riding) and then set up a schedule to do these. 

I often find that the best way to stick to goals is also to write them down and share them with people and have someone who keeps you accountable for these goals.

So here it goes:

My Goals For 2008:

Spiritual - Read the Bible 20 minutes each day, Take a Men's Fraternity course

Family - Cook meals and do dishes at least 2 nights per week, Go on a date with my wife at least once per month, Spend 30 minutes of quality time per day with each child

Fitness - Lose 8 pounds and start running a minimum of 10 miles per week again.

Financial - Replenish Savings after Christmas, Invest $15K Short Term for next Real Estate Investment

Education - Learn French (work related) and read 25 Books this year.

Personal Growth - Manage time better, focus a majority of my time on what's really important, strengthen current friendships and develop new friendships.

When The Leader Changes, The House Changes

One of the reasons I created Legacy Dad was because of the changes in my own life and to record these changes and how they affect our family.  My wife tells me this is a Longitudinal Study.  The results are never meant to be seen immediately but over the course of years if not decades.

As my friend Tim Kimmel says in his book "It's not raising kids who act right or grow up right, it's Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right."

That being said, my wife made the unique observation that the direction of the family whether spiritual, moral, or financial; hinges on the directions and guidance of the leader of the house. Typically the husband and father backed by the love and support of his wife. 

This is why changing and empowering Dads has such a huge impact.  You are not only changing yourself, but your whole family.  The spiritual changes I have made in my life in the past few years have had huge ripples in our family in a positive way.

I realize that the challenges I put forth on Legacy Dad are huge commitments.  I strive to live them daily but often fall short myself.  But, the end result has a far greater impact than we can ever imagine.  By simply striving to make one of the changes in our lives, we impact our entire family thus creating a lifelong legacy. 

My wife is taking a class on Parenting in Contemporary Society from a truly great professor, Kelly J. Welch. 

My wife tells me most people wait until they are in their 40's-60's before they start thinking in terms of leaving a legacy or striving for self actualization. 

At this age, many parents are ending their parenting career and looking at becoming empty nesters, thus missing many important years of guidance and mentorship.

What I challenge us Dad's to do, is to draw a blueprint now for our children's future greatness.  I often hear Christian men talk of moral failure, divorce, addictions, and priorities that are out of whack.  I challenge us to stand up and be the man that we know we can be.  Prove the statistics wrong, set the example for others to follow, be the rock that others come to for strength and encouragement. 

The simple difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people have the following:

• Clearly Defined Goals

• Long Term Thinking

• A Road Map To Achieve Their Goals

• The Self Discipline to do the things that other people will not, on a consistent basis.

By making the changes we need in our lives, we change our families.  If we want to be respected as True Men and Leaders of our house, we need to start acting like it.

Because When The Leader Changes, The House Changes and Then The Legacy Is Created.

Reality 2.0

I'm listening to a book on Integrity by Henry Cloud and one of the topics he brought up was dealing with reality.  Many of us at times, myself included, create an alternate reality to live in. Let me explain.

You have a great idea that you have been cultivating for years, you share the idea with someone and they say that you should try to market this idea.  You spend the next 16 months developing a business plan, putting in long hours away from your family and working on finding funding for this project.  You finally get funding and launch your idea, you spend lots of money on marketing and after the first quarter you get the sales report.  Your sales are dismal. 

So you fire your marketing department and hire the best marketing firm in the country to market your idea, you even put most of your life savings into paying for extra marketing.  The Internet, Viral Marketing, TV Commercials, Radio, Newspaper, and even leaving flyer's on doorsteps.  You left no marketing stone unturned.  Finally the new quarters sales report comes in.  The sales are even lower. 

You are defeated and call a meeting with your team. 

"Someone tell me why the marketing is not working?" 

Silence...finally a quiet analyst in the back raises his hand. 

"Sir, I've tried your product and it simply doesn't work."

Many time in life we have emotions tied up with projects and ideas and we tend to put blinders on and just plow forward finding a way to make it work.  We just "know" our idea is a good one. 

But sometimes reality is the greatest judge of our efforts.

Rick Warren is the author of the all time best selling non-fiction book "The Purpose Driven Life."  He came to southern California in 1980 fresh out of college to start a new church, instead of taking the classic approach of finding a facility, hiring a staff, etc.  He first went door to door and asked people "Why do you not go to church anymore?"  He then formed his church ensuring that none of those factors stated were in it and today he has a congregation of over 80,000 members

The most successful people I have met are ones who live in reality and deal with all of its ups and downs. 

I remember when I was younger I was in a management position and we had to do a blind leadership assessment.  People in the organization were asked to rate leaders honestly in a series of questions about a number of different areas. 

What an eye opener.  I remember my direct supervisor getting upset because he was rated poorly.  He thought leadership was based on bullying, intimidating  or bossing others to do the work.  He was even called Narcissistic.  Meaning he thought he knew more than anyone else and thus was unteachable. 

When I was younger, I fell into this trap as well.  It was easier to hide from reality and create my own rules than it was to deal with failure, rejection and unknown. 

I have also observed many older people who are so set in their ways that they can not face change well or deal with emerging trends and technology.  They basically fall into an attitude of "been there, done that, know it all already" and are not open to new ideas and approaches.

In Psychology, the concept of "Observing Ego" is one that we look at ourselves in all situations from an outside perspective and have a totally objective view of the situation.  This eliminates falling into the traps of pride or letting our emotions carry us.

Psychology further discusses the idea of "Emotional Valance or the Valance Effect" in which we often get in bad situations or habits and instead of looking at the situation  or habit for what it is, bad.  We instead put on rose colored glasses and try to use some form of positive imaging to change reality so it looks like a positive situation rather than what it really is. 

So what is my point in all this? 

We have to be thick skinned when our emotions are high.  We have to use observing ego and constantly look at our lives and actions from a third party, objective view point and ask ourselves this question. 

"Based on reality, not my hopes or dreams, does this action move me closer to my goals or does it move me away from my goals?" 

We have to maintain a constant teachable attitude and never pre-judge anything.  This objective view of reality is very hard in our age of information flow, it is a lot easier to take things as they seem instead of digging in and looking at the details and truths of the matter.

I've also had to learn to admit I was wrong.  Not matter what the cost or how far into a project I am, if I am wrong, it needs  to stop. 

It doesn't matter if we are looking at our marriage, career or a real estate investment.  We need to take a step back and look at the situation as an outside party would, with no emotional attachments. 

Using this approach will keep us based in reality and also keep us from spending precious hours pouring our hearts into areas that will not produce the results we  really want.

"Hell begins on the day when God grants us a clear vision of all we might have achieved, of all the gifts which we have wasted, of all that we might have done which we did not do."   - Gian Carlo Menotti

Chris Gardner

I happened to watch the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" a few weeks back and I was totally taken back by the main character Chris Gardner.  What was even further impressive is that this is a true story and Chris Gardner actually did these things.

This was a story of a man with no positive role models, no father figure, a torn marriage, a young son and living on welfare to survive. 

One day he saw a man in a Ferrari and asked the man what he did?  I'm a stockbroker he replied.  Gardner then set out to become a stockbroker and finally landed an internship with Dean Witter Reynolds. 

During this internship many other people were competing with Chris for a permanent job with Dean Witter.  I have been through this process personally and it is not fun.  The Series 7 Exam has been equated with taking the Bar Exam for attorneys. 

During his internship, Chris and his young son were evicted from their home and lived on the streets often sleeping wherever their was a safe place, they then found Glide Memorial United Methodist Church.  The Reverend Cecil Williams allowed Chris and his son to stay and Chris eventually went on to finish his internship and get hired with Dean Witter Reynolds. 

After, Dean Witter Reynolds, Chris became very successful and even founded his own firm as well as other businesses.  Today, Chris is a very successful man that overcame many odds and is involved in many philanthropy efforts.  It is a truly amazing story. 

If you have not seen the movie, I recommend renting it.  Chris Gardner is truly a Legacy Dad. 

The Extra Degree: 212

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpJQqzJj534&w=425&h=350]

On Leadership

We all strive to be better leaders.  We read books, take classes and go through all our "leadership" training courses in our careers, yet so few people seem to really grasp the core concepts of leadership.I have been privy to witness all kinds of leadership in the military and in my corporate career and although I am no expert, I've observed a few things, learned from some great like John C. Maxwell, Stephen Covey and Andy Stanley and ultimately leadership has started to come easier for me over the years.

Let me give you some background…

When I was 17 years old, I helped launch a non-profit corporation from concept to grants and funding to running the business.  The non-profit was a grant based volunteer organization that had out reach programs to local youth.  In the beginning of this project, we were interviewed by local press and I ended up on the center stage, the next thing I knew I was being called the “leader” of this group by various forms of the press and media.

Over the next few years I learned some of the most important "secrets" of leadership.

People follow dreamers/visionaries and those that can inspire others to do great things over smart people or those with the right pedigree and credentials.  People follow leaders who take action, not those who talk, analyze and spend excessive amounts of time waiting for perfection.  People follow those who “Don’t follow the Crowd”  They grasp a vision and run with it, wort's and all.

For better and worse, this non-profit project was a success. I was proclaimed a local hero and given accolades and awards for my endeavors, but this also led to me getting an ego and thinking I knew it all at age 20.  Hubris.

I once taught a leadership class to a room full of successful leaders.  Each of these individuals lead groups and teams from 5-100 personnel.  However, I argued that most of them were managers not leaders. I told them if they wanted the biggest leadership challenge of your life, take off their rank and titles and go lead a non-profit organization of volunteers who are not being paid to work there. Inspire these people to show up day after day and work selflessly.   This type of leadership will challenge every character trait you have and teach you a lot about people, yourself and your strengths and weaknesses.

In the real world, there a lot of managers but few true leaders.

Leaders - lead and inspire people with vision and action.Managers - manage tasks, projects and inanimate things.

In the past few years, I have attempted to take my leadership to another level in that I truly express my care for the people on my teams.  It's not all about me and my agenda.  I care for their personal needs and endeavors; I coach them with finances, faith and help them in any way possible, regardless if I ever receive anything in return.  I often spend my own time and money to help others in small ways.  It's true altruistic, empathetic leadership.

A true leader cares about their people, not about tasks or objects or about what upper management or the status quo thinks.  You truly care about what is inside of each one of your teammates and you let them know that they are great people.  You inspire them and mentor them to become greater.  This does not mean you let people get away with substandard performance, missing deadlines or not reaching goals and expectations.  It just means you put people above all this.

I also have learned the power of influence.

Often titles, rank and position have nothing to do with who really makes an organization run effectively.  There are always special people in every organization who have all the connections, they have great rapport with people and they remember to help the little guys on the bottom and the big guys at the top.  They are the real movers and shakers of the organization.

These people are the influencers.  They may be anywhere in an organization; the mail room, middle management, at the local espresso stand or the gatekeeper to the CEO.  They have so many friends and connections in the organization that they literally “walk between the raindrops" and seem to just make things happen.

I have learned to try to occupy this role by networking with people at all levels and helping them solve problems.  I am the "go to" guy.   This often requires building relationships outside the work environment as well.

In the movie Wall Street, Gordon Gekko said “Information is the most valuable commodity I know of”

I always strive to become an information portal and push information out to those who need it in order to help them with their activities and solver their problems.  It's putting their needs before my own.  I call this a social investment.

This is not to be mistaken for “brown nosing” but an honest information exchange and full honesty and authenticity to people at all levels of an organization. While most people try to suck up and impress the big guys, I have frequently talked with leaders echelons above me and given them an honest assessment of their problems, while providing viable solutions.

I am by no means an expert and I am far from calling myself a great leader, more like a masterpiece still in progress.  Yet, I feel deep satisfaction from the frequent emails, phone calls and notes of thanks for truly caring and truly giving in my own unique way.   When people know that you really care, they want to work with you.

A True Master of this style of leadership was the Apostle Paul and in the future I will give a post on why the Apostle Paul was the master leader and influencer.

If you suffer from management, I challenge you to get out of this role and develop your traits as a leader, it is in all of us, it just needs to be developed, honed and practiced.

Family Man

Family Man

Tim Miller had it all: an adventurous, high-profile career doing what he hadalways dreamed of doing. But there was a price.

by Chuck Holton

Tim Miller stood in the foyer of the White House and looked around. He hadreached the pinnacle of his career. As a Secret Service agent since 1991, Timhad recently been temporarily assigned to presidential detail — his childhooddream.

It was October 1994. He had just left the stairs leading to the President’sprivate quarters when he heard a rapid popping sound outside. Then glass beganshattering. Immediately, Tim’s earphone crackled to life with reports from theuniformed officers outside that someone was attacking the White House. Timsprinted around the sidewalk outside the fence. The shooting seemed to havestopped, but there was pandemonium on the street in front of the White House.Secret Service officers had a man handcuffed on the ground.

Francisco Martin Duran had remarked to friends that he was going to kill thePresident. No one took him seriously until he drove to Washington and, surrounded by tourists,opened fire on the President’s residence. As he stopped to change magazines,two civilians wrestled him to the ground and held him until uniformed agentsarrived to arrest him. Tim took the man into custody and performed the initialinterview.

Driving home that evening, Tim replayed the events in his mind. He feltgood, and this was right where he wanted to be — taking part in life-and-deathmatters of national importance, the culmination of his years as a Marine and asa policeman.

Costly success

Yet he could never dispel the nagging thought that maybe his job wasn’tworth it. His wife would be upset that he was late and that he had missedanother family dinner.

Tim loved his wife and children dearly, but it seemed that they always gotthe short end of the deal. Being a Secret Service agent was a lifestyle, sowhen his career conflicted with his personal life, the job had to takeprecedence. His family was paying a high price for his success. He worked threeout of every four weekends, missed his wedding anniversary while riding camelsaround the Egyptian pyramids protecting Tipper Gore and missed his daughter’sbirthday while protecting the President in Hawaii. But his family knew that he lovedthem, didn’t they?

Although the Secret Service has the highest divorce rate of any lawenforcement agency, Tim was convinced it would never happen to him and hiswife, LaDonna. But a knot formed in his stomach as he remembered her saying aweek or two earlier, “Tim, I feel like a single parent.”

This comment confused and frustrated him. He should have been enjoying life;he was right where he had always dreamed of being. Instead, the knowledge thathe was there at the expense of his wife and kids left a bitter taste in hismouth. And they weren’t the ones to blame.

Time for change

In the months following the shooting, Tim traveled more than ever. His jobcontinued to call him to important tasks and exciting destinations. He stayedin the palace of Saudi Prince Abdullah and protectedIsraeli Prime Minister Rabin just three weeks before Rabin’s assassination.

Then one day, on his way to the White House, Tim heard Dr. Dobson on theradio saying, “Men, if your career is causing you to miss out on your family,you need to pray and ask God to provide you a job where you can be a truehusband to your wife and a good father to your children.”

Those words represented the final blow to his dilemma. Tim found himself intears, and he immediately made the decision to find a new job. It wasn’t aneasy choice. He didn’t know what God planned, but his family would no longersit in second place.

Tim left the Secret Service and became a U.S. Customs agent. His position asa Senior Special Agent in the U.S. Customs Office of Anti-Terrorism gave himthe immense responsibility of implementing a nationwide plan to safeguard ourcountry’s borders from terrorist infiltration and attack.

He thought that he was making a sacrifice for his family at the time, but itbecame clear that the choice to put his family ahead of his career was likegiving up a fistful of mud for a chest of diamonds. Tim experienced greaterblessing than he had ever imagined.

Once Tim was prepared to give up his career, God not only blessed his familybut also gave him a job he loved. He now makes a better living and enjoysweekends with his family. Currently, as a Senior Department of HomelandSecurity Liaison to the FBI, Tim has enormous responsibility helping tosafeguard our country.

He wouldn’t give anything for the relationships he has built with his familyover the last seven years. “My son, Aaron, got married last year,” Tim says.“And one of the best moments of my life was the day that he asked if I’d be hisbest man.”

This article appeared in the December2003 issue of Focuson the Family magazine.Copyright © 2003 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. Internationalcopyright secured.

A father of five, Chuck Holton is a former Army Ranger and lives in Maryland with his family.