Success Is Not The Answer

As I stated in my earlier 4-Part Post The Success Illusion, many parents today are knowingly and unknowingly parenting and raising their children to attain success.  While these parents' intentions are good their means and research on the topics are lacking.  

This month at Legacy Dad, I want to help you see the flaws in many modern parenting styles and also show you the research and reason why alternate parenting styles will not only raise better children but also assist in raising children who will not only be successful but live a life of significance and meaning.  

A large number of parents focus a majority of their parenting efforts on grades, sports and achievement.  While this approach is noble and the norm, it is having a profound affect on the next generations of children. 

In Dr. Thomas Stanley's book "The Millionaire Mind", Stanley surveys the households of America's wealthiest families to determine the traits and habits of financially successful people (Millionaires). 

According to Stanley's research the traits and reasons most mentioned by millionaires that lead them to success were:

1. Honesty - Integrity - Character
2. Discipline - Persistence - Long Term Thinking
3. Social Skills - Relationships - Focusing on the needs of others
4. Courage - Tenacity
5. A Healthy Marriage and Supportive Spouse

Also mentioned was their strong religious faith.

Note that grades, type of school attended, age they begin reading, or sports played was not mentioned.  They all involve character development and social skills.  All these skills are primarily learned in the home from parents not in school or church. 

Moving on, Malcolm Gladwell explains in Outliers how success in the 21st century is less about sheer intelligence and more about collaboration (working well with others) and hard work to get to the level of mastery in a topic (which he says typically takes 10,000 hours). 

Annette Lareau's study of Concetrated Cultivation indicates that parents who encourage problem solving, sibling rivalry, reasoning and critical thinking, organization skills and social communications to include interacting with adults and those in authority positions (challenging norms/guided autonomy) actually better equips their children for the real world. 

Finally, Robert Shaw clearly evidences in Epidemic how many modern and popular parenting styles are leaving us with not only narcissistic children but a narcissistic generation as evidenced by Twenge.

So what is the point of all this? 

The main areas that focus and hinge on all of these aforementioned elements is character development, social skills and how we as parents model, interact and impart these skills onto our children. Not only what but how we focus our parenting has the biggest effect on our children.

Many times as parents we focus a majority of our attention on school, sports and achievement while this has no guarantee of future success or our desired outcome fro our children.  Does this mean we don't pay attention to grades or sports?  No, it means that simply grades and sports are not our primary area of focus when parenting.   School and sports are important, what is even more important though is the focus and molding of Character Traits, Social Skills and Faith.

Honesty, Social Skills, Courage, Creativity, Marriage, Faith, Patience, Unselfishness and Servanthood is learned in the home and caught not taught.  

This needs to be our primary areas of focus in order to raise spiritual champions for the future. 

While this post has been dry and full of studies and statistics, the future posts in this area will give us areas and ways to correct the current mistakes in modern parenting and ultimately to re-chart a course for True Significance over success in our children. 

Stay Tuned...

Lance

Plenitude

plenitude [ˈplɛnɪˌtjuːd]  n

1. abundance; copiousness

2. the condition of being full or complete

If you've read this blog for longer than five minutes, you'd see that I frequently spend time out of the US, most of the time in third world countries.  This has a profound impact on a person when it comes to reflecting on personal wealth, giving to others and helping the poor. 

This year, I have the pleasure of spending the holidays in the US and it is a drastic difference from the holidays in other countries.  During Thanksgiving this year, we had 12 people and two dogs in our home for the annual Thanksgiving feast.  During the prayer and talks afterwards, I noted that the amount of food on our table is more than most families in the world eat in one month. 

Did you know that if you make more than $50,000 per year, you are in the top 1% of wealth in the world?

Did you know that each time we stop at a coffee shop and order a fancy drink, that same money could feed a family in a impoverished country for almost one week?

How many times have we seen a church spend millions of dollars to build a new building but then only send a few thousand dollars overseas?  Furthermore, how many millions of dollars of vehicles are sitting in a large church parking lot every Sunday? 

When we look at the issue from this context, it makes me feel uneasy in my stomach.  Am I really doing all I can for the world or am I spending my time filling my own house with worthless trinkets?

  My wife and I had a great talk this year and we both said that enough is enough.  We've reached Plenitude.  We don't need more stuff, a bigger house, or a nicer car.  We'll keep funding the savings and retirement but also start giving more and more each year.  Our goal is to be giving away 25% of our income in the next five years and keep increasing it.

On top of this, we are going to start serving more than giving.  Throwing a few bucks in a bucket is easy.  What is hard, is taking your time and actually going to where the needy people are and actually serving them face to face.  This also has the biggest impact and life changing rewards. 

Our children are a little apprehensive about the thought of less, as they are still young and want every new gadget, but our example is continually shaping their character.  This year, my children are also starting to sponsor a child from one of the organizations that runs these programs. My child get to pick the child's age, gender and location in the world and then write letters and send money and pictures as the child grows with them.  My hope is that this simple task will continue to get them looking outward instead of inward as they mature. 

One of the best things we do at Christmas is sponsor a local child for the holidays. They have this program at most churches and shopping malls.  You simply pick a name of a child and buy them presents for Christmas.  The best programs actually allow you to deliver the presents directly to the child and family.   

Loading your car with presents and having your kids go into a poor neighborhood and hand them out creates a lasting Legacy that I cannot explain.  Each year we do this, our kids find creative ways to give more and more.

I challenge you this Christmas season to find plenitude in your life and to look more outwards than inwards.  An iPad, new Android phone or chocolate diamonds may seem like a great gift, but nothing beats the smile and tears from a truly deserving family and the lasting impact this has on our children's hearts. 

Esse Quam Videri

Lance

A Goal Line Stand

One of my favorite sports movies is Friday Night Lights.  It's an emotional film about a small high school football team in west Texas overcoming great personal odds to make it to the Texas State High School Football Championship.  In the climax of the movie, the team is losing the championship to a superior opponent and they mount one final run down the field as the clock is ticking down.  Down by a few points, the team marches down the field and makes it to the goal line.  In one final play, the ball is hiked and the quarterback makes a break for the end-zone, time stands still and the crowd goes wild as the the pile of bodies fly towards the ball carrier.  In the final second, the quarterback falls forward only to come up short of the goal line and the team ultimately loses the game and the championship.

What is equally tragic is witnessing well meaning, good parents spending top dollars putting their kids in the best schools, spending countless hours on sports programs, and enrolling their youth in highly dynamic Christian youth programs only to come up short and have their efforts blow up on them at the end of their children's adolescence.

Over and over we continue to see parents falling into one of two extremes. 

1. Focusing Children Predominately on the Success Illusion,without greater emphasis on Character. Parents today are hurried and have to focus their time accordingly.  Many parents still believe that grades, sports and extracurriculars have top priority while morals, values and character development come in at the bottom of the list.  These parents believe that through school, the Church or some other outside entity; their children will develop character and the morals of right and wrong.  But studies conclude that this does not happen, the home and parents are the single most influential factor in how children and ultimately our society develop.

2. Controlled Environment, Behavior Modifiers.  The second extreme fills the parenting section at bookstores with promises from psychologists and academics of new kids in 5 days, babies reading Tolstoy at age 3 and gluten-free, vegan kids with supercharged health.  These parents fear the evils of society and create a controlled environment for the tots to grow in with the hopes of keeping the evil world at bay for as long as possible.  This approach focuses on modifying the external behaviors of children in order to reach the desired effect; which tend to be nice, presentable kids for the parents ego.  The effects of this style of parenting has been evidenced Here and Here and also do not produce strong, productive adults from our children and often have the highest concentration of children who rebel later in adolescence.           

So what is the answer? Grace.

Grace or moderation in parenting focuses on putting down strong boundaries in the areas that matter most, internal behaviors.  Character, Morals and Values are modeled and mentored to the children daily.  Academics, Sports and Extracurriculars are not thrown out but also not placed above the internal behaviors.  The environment is controlled tighter in the early years but loosened as the child ages to afford maximum independence and decision making/consequences.  Mistakes are made in the home so the parents can offer advice and mentorship.  Parents are not worried about producing presentable kids, they focus on producing morally driven adults.  Kids will be kids but the end result is always the goal. 

This principle is the heart of Legacy Dad and cannot be explained in one blog post, one book or a quick step by step guide. It has to be witnessed, lived and learned.  While this concept may seem foreign or maybe even reckless to our newer readers, I invite you to continue reading to learn why this style of parenting is ultimately producing children who will be tomorrows leaders in society.

When instituted properly; Grace will raise kids who will question and challenge cultural norms, will be spiritually tested by the world but will ultimately go to God and let the Holy Spirit work in their hearts and let their morals, values and character act as a compass in their lives.     

 - Lance