Written by Dr. Tim Kimmel
Raising children in today’s world is much like putting together apuzzle. You labor for years to put the right pieces of your children’slives together, but when they grow up, they often do not resemble whatyou thought you were creating.
In spite of the disappointments that come with the job, raisingchildren is the greatest thing you will ever do. Parenting is greaterthan any milestone you can hit in your career. Among other things, youhave been handed a piece of history in advance — a love letter to atime you will not see — and you play the biggest role in how thathistory will ultimately be recorded. That is why, regardless of thechallenges, you need to have a plan for parenting that works.
Wrong Maps
If you are running blind through territory you have nevertraveled, you are only as good as the map you are depending on. Whenyou look at the way some parents raise their children and the way someexperts advise them, it is no wonder that many parents feel they havelost their way.
Some typical parenting methodologies in the Christian communityfollow. Remember, these are all types so they are a bit exaggerated tomake a point. All of these approaches are missing God’s grace as theircentral motivating factor.
1. Fear-based parenting. These parents’ fearsdetermine their strategy for parenting. These parents live in fear andare overprotective of their children. Biblically speaking, theseparents live out of balance with the concept of being in the world butnot of the world by withdrawing. These parents are encouraged to bewary of everything.
Fear-based parenting can create spiritually anemic children. It alsocan create an environment for children who do not have passion for lostpeople, who are indifferent and fearful, and who rebel.
2. Evangelical behavior modification. This is abranch of fear-based parenting that assumes the proper environment,proper information, proper education, and the absence of negativeinfluences will increase the chances of a child turning out well.
This parenting plan works from the assumptions that behavior shapesa child’s heart, as if content can be transferred onto a child’s heartmuch like information placed on a computer hard drive.
The behavior modeled by these families paints a beautiful picture ofan ideal Christian home, but it is one-dimensional. These are homeswhere God rules in the head but that does not necessarily translateinto God ruling the heart.
3. Image-control parenting. This is a checklistmethod of parenting that is part of the seduction of legalism.Image-control parenting assumes that people will know you are a goodChristian parent raising Christian children by your church attendance,the way your children dress (or do not dress), the way your childrencut their hair (or do not cut their hair), the words and expressionsyour children use (or do not use), the schools your children attend (ordo not attend), and the movies your children watch (or do not watch).
The problem with this form of parenting is not in the things theseparents either do or do not do. For the most part, these arewell-meaning parents trying to make good choices. However, they makechoices for wrong reasons. Doing good things for wrong reasonsconsistently brings unfavorable results. Children can tell when theyare being parented by a checklist rather than by a mom and dad who aretrusting in God to lead them.
4. High-control parenting. There is a vastdifference between parents who keep their children under control andparents who control them. High-control parenting happens when parentsleverage the strength of their personality or position against thechildren’s weaknesses in order to get them to meet the parent’s selfishagenda.
High-control parenting is the worst of the four types of parentingmethodologies. High-control parents ultimately get frustrated with theresults of their parenting. However, they are usually the last torealize.
Radical Parenting
There is good news! There is a method of parenting that makesit easier and enjoyable to put together the puzzle of parenting. It hasthe borders and boundaries that frame the picture. It filters out thepieces of the puzzle that do not belong, and it knows exactly what yourchildren are supposed to look like when the assembly of the puzzle iscomplete.
The box cover is in the Bible, and this model for parenting can be summarized in one word: grace!
A Grace-Based Family
Grace-based parents spend their time entrusting themselves toChrist. Their children are the daily recipients of the grace theseparents are enjoying from God. If you are watching them in action,these parents appear to be peaceful and in love with God. They areespecially graceful when their children are hardest to love. Theiradvice to their children is a mixture of the two following ideas:
• “You are a gift from God. Go make a difference!”
• “You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you are forgiven.”
These parents feel they need to seek God more every day. Onecharacteristic that stands out is how grateful they are for what theyhave and what they can do for their children.
Grace-based parents process their day-to-day life with a confidencethat comes from knowing God loves them. One of the most importantcharacteristics of grace-based families is they are not afraid. Theyare especially unafraid of the evil around them.
A grace-based environment changes the way children view theirparents and the choices their parents make on their behalf. It alsogives their children a more attractive look at their parents’ faith.Parents who operate by grace instead of a checklist or conventionalwisdom are easier for their children to trust. When your children’slives are falling apart, they are more inclined to turn to you.
Grace-based parents have a keen awareness of their own propensitytoward sin. This makes the grace and forgiveness they received fromChrist more appreciated. It stirs them to love others and accomplishgood deeds. They are not driven by guilt or a need to do penance. Theydo not judge people who are struggling. They see themselves in thesepeople and understand just how much of God’s love they have received.They are more inclined to love these people and care for the needs intheir lives.
God’s Pattern of Grace
The primary word that defines how God deals with His childrenis “grace.” Grace does not exclude obedience, respect, boundaries, ordiscipline — it champions them. But it determines the climate in whichthese important parts of parenting are carried out. Grace-basedparenting maintains a realistic attitude about the sinful nature with acompassionate desire to help children rise above it and flourish in theplan God has for them.
Parents who are giving grace to their children are not shocked whentheir children sin. They are not even caught off guard when theirchildren make mistakes. Grace understands that everyone sins, includingchildren.
Dr. Tim Kimmel and his wife, Darcy, are thefounders of Family Matters™. Committed to equipping families for everyage and stage of life, Tim is one of America’s top advocates speakingfor the family today. Tim has hosted his own nationally syndicatedradio program, speaks throughout the country, and enjoys life with hiswife, his four children, and his growing number of grandchildren.